Clowns
by I can't hear you
Summary: Harry experiances a trauma that changes the way he is. "You don't know what it's like to have your best friend die knowing that you could've saved him." Hermione knows, alright.


**Clowns**  
  
_All this weeping in the air  
Who can tell where it will fall?   
Through floating forests in the air   
'Cross the rolling open sea_

How the years have changed so dramatically ever since Voldemort rose to power again. How the war has changed people, those who used to be kind into merciless shadows who lurk around alleys, trying to survive through the hatred that flooding the Wizarding World.

Of all the changes, the biggest one was in Harry Potter, the famous, glorifying hero who was destined to defeat the Dark Lord and secure the future for brighter days.  
  
**__**

**_There has not been a bright day since Hermione could remember._**

Harry Potter, always there to save the day, was not there to save one day. The day one of his best friend's lives were snatched away by Draco Malfoy himself.  
  
__

_Draco Malfoy had indeed joined the dark side, as he was expected to by his father. He was reluctant but he obliged as it was important to continue the Malfoy reign.  
  
_

_"I always knew that you'd be in my way," sneered Draco as Ron rushed in front of Harry. Draco had challenged Harry to a duel but everyone knew that Draco was not a man to fight fair.  
  
_

_"I said 'Sod off'', Malfoy," replied Ron with venom in his voice.  
  
_

_"You never could leave Potter by himself, could you?" spat Malfoy. "Always running over to his side like some sick puppy dog. I wouldn't be surprised though. That's all your family is: dogs." He chuckled at his wit.  
  
_

_Ron almost rushed forward but Harry held him back. This was not like the days in school where knocking Malfoy's nose did not mean the end of the world. Draco was one of them: the Death Eaters. And he was instructed, as any other Death Eater to find Harry Potter and bring him to Voldemort himself.  
  
_

_"Oh, let him go, Potter, I'd really like to see him take a go at me. I shall warn you though that my powers are far exceeding superior to yours."  
  
_

_"Fuck you and your power," Ron broke free from Harry's grip and rushed forward tackling Malfoy to the ground.  
  
_

_He was on top on Malfoy, punching him as hard as he could. Malfoy wriggled out from under him, and pulled out his wand.  
  
_

_"I hope you brought your wand with you, Weasel. Because unlike Potter here, Voldie won't have a problem with me slaughtering you to pieces!"  
  
_

_Ron quickly reached inside his robe, finding that he had no wand.  
  
_

_Fuck no.  
  
_

_Malfoy pointed his wand at Ron, licking his lips, ready to deliver the one and only blow.  
  
_

_"Avada Kedavra!"  
  
_

_Harry sprang forward but Hermione caught him in the arm. She pushed him to the ground, preventing any means of Harry jumping in front of the bright green light that only took seconds to hit Ron square in the chest.  
  
_

_"No!" Harry broke out of Hermione's grip and ran over to Ron. Hermione followed but not before looking into the eyes of the man who had just murdered her best friend.  
  
_

_"You're next, mudblood," he muttered as he turned his back and walked away.  
  
_

_"Come back here!" Harry yelled. But Malfoy kept walking. Harry bowed his head __and tears started to come out uncontrollably. He was silent about it but Hermione could see the contempt and hatred that spread immediately.  
  
_

Hermione thought that he would change after he got some time to himself. She waited and waited. But weeks passed by. And then months.

Of course, she tried to talk to him many times. But she rarely ever received a reply.

She wished that he would talk to her. So they could move on and be together like they used to be.

**_Maybe she was being selfish.  
_**  
__

_Blow a kiss, I run through air  
Leave the past, find nowhere   
Floating forests in the air   
Clowns, all around you_

"Harry?" she nudged him as usual. He had not moved from the window where he was sitting, just staring out into the distance.

**_Staring at the fires burning._**

"Harry! Stop this!" she snapped loudly.

Harry jumped up from his trance, dazed and confused.

"Harry! I can't take it anymore! I need to know...," she trailed off, reluctant to say, afraid at his reply.

Harry stared at her, waiting, but not saying a word. He's been like this ever since Ron died.

"I have to know...do you love me?" she asked after a minute.

"W-what?" he finally asked.

"Do you love me?"

He looked away from her. Hermione knew what he was going to say next and it already hurt but she didn't say anything. She needed to hear it come from his mouth.

"What do you want from me?" he answered in a blank voice.

"What?"

"You heard me, Hermione. What do you want from me?"

Hermione did not know how to answer this. What kind of question is that? She asked him if he loved her and he still hasn't answered her question.

"I want you to-," she started.

"Everyone's always fucking wanting something from me!" he burst out from where he was sitting. "You know what? People out there are waiting for me to go out there and be a hero!"

_"Where is that Harry Potter?" an anonymous person off the street whispered to another.  
  
_

_"I hear that he is getting ready and training to take on the Dark Lord, I always knew that boy was smart. Not rushing out there like every other blithering fool."  
  
_

_"Ha," scoffed another. "You think he's getting ready? He's hiding! That's what! He's scared; the Boy who Lived is scared!"_

"You think I don't know what people say about me?" he said in a much softer voice but with the same hurt.  
  
_Clowns that only let you know  
Where you let your senses go   
Clowns all around you   
It's a cross I need to bear_  
  
**_It's the damn clowns._**

"Damn it, Hermione, I'm so tired of being a hero," he sat back down and buried his face in his hands.

She got up and tried to put her hand on his shoulder and flinched when he shifted away.

"Harry, it's okay, I understand," she tried to smile even though tears were coming out of her eyes.

"No, you don't," sniffed Harry. "You don't know what it's like. To have everyone counting on you when you know that you didn't save your best friend when you could have."

"Harry...," Hermione could not find the words to say.

**_Was it because she didn't understand?_**

Of course she didn't. As much as she can claim that she did, it was undeniable that she never felt the heavy boulder of expectations that Harry had on his back.

She walked over to where Harry was sitting and as much as she knew that he would try to get away, she did not care. She threw her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder.

"Sorry, Hermione," Harry lifted his face and gave her a teary eyed smile.

"About what?" she stroked his hair.

"For being such a crybaby."

"You're not a crybaby."

**_You're just damaged._**

"Cheer up, Harry," she wiped his face with a nearby handkerchief. "Tomorrow will be a better day."

He nodded gently and took her hand into his.

"I love you, Hermione."

"I love you too," her heart gave a leap of joy as she felt the relief.

"Stay with me tonight?" Harry asked timidly. "Please?"

"Well...," Hermione pretended to ponder.

Harry gazed at her with his emerald eyes, glazed and shining through previous tears.

"Alright, but just for tonight."

Harry grinned. That was the first time Hermione had seen Harry smile in such a long time.

Harry and Hermione spent a good deal of time, laughing and acting like old times. Harry seemed to be in better condition than he had been months ago and this pleased Hermione greatly.

"Man, Hermione, if only...," he trailed off. "If only I'd been able to tell you sooner. It wouldn't have been so hard."

"No worries, Harry, I'm just glad you're back to your old self."

Before they went to sleep, Harry leaned over and kissed Hermione.

"I love you," he said again.

"You said that five times already," she giggled.

"Are you tired of it?"

"No, I don't mind," she laughed.

"Tell me you love me."

"I told you that six times."

"Make it seven."

"Fine. I love you."

"Good night, Hermione. Thank you for everything."

Hermione never felt the most relief in her life and she slept so soundly that almost nothing could wake her up. Nothing.

Hermione woke up to the sounds of sirens. She turned over, expecting to see Harry sound asleep next to her. He wasn't there.

She rushed out of bed quickly and found shards of glass lying all over the place. The window Harry used to stare out of was smashed and broken and Hermione could feel the morning breeze wafting towards her.

_They say that the girl turned mad at the sight of his smashed and mangled body.  
  
_

_But some say that she ran away in fear that she might have been a suspect.  
  
****_

_**I**__**'m much stronger than that, you stupid fools.**_

****

_**When he told me to tell him that I loved him for the seventh time, I realized that he had been in obscurity for seven months.**_

_**He said that she didn't know what it was like to have a friend die knowing that she could have saved him too.**_

_**Poor boy, I do now.**_

_**Harry Potter. Committed Suicide. Lied. Why?**_

_**No one knows except I.  
  
**_

_**Clowns that only let you know   
Where you let your senses go   
Clowns all around you   
It's a cross I need to bear**_

_**He let the clowns get to him.  
  
**_

_**End.  
**_  
Author's note ... if anyone here is confused by the clowns, it is not literally clowns. After Ron's death, Harry's depression and trauma triggered schizophrenia which is a disease in where the individual hears voices in his head.


End file.
